Today is the last day before it all changes. It feels like Christmas Eve; I almost don't want today to even happen. Almost.
I've spent the past 7 months waiting for right now, unsure as to whether it would be the right thing, putting all of myself into it just in case it's exactly the right thing. The new paint on my study walls has dried, the shelves are stacked with books that I intended to already have read (not quite), my first meeting is set for tomorrow at 11am and I'm pretty much ready to go. My brain even feels like it might cope with what I'm about to do. All I know is that the 100% of myself that existed so naturally three years ago has to be rediscovered. A substantial fraction dissolved in the long hours of my last job, possibly left somewhere on a train during a busy commute, or dropped by the roadside on my walk to the station in the pre-6 o'clock part of a wintery Thursday.
I'm grateful for the last two years; the experiences I've had and the people I've met made it possible to really know where I want to be. There's nothing like being surrounded by passion and enthusiasm to make you realize that don't have any of it for yourself. Now I feel ever-so-slightly left behind, maybe in the good way that comes with the gift of hindsight and the grateful acknowledgement of how difficult this really is, but I'm doing it anyway.
I want the next three years to be tough; I want to feel as if I don't quite get it for at least 25% of the time. I want to sit and read and re-read, scribble ideas on my blackboard and keep in my mind the battle that was required to get here. Eventually, I want to understand it all. But that's going to take some serious lack of understanding to start with. I want to stand up and face the scariest of situations, the coldest of audiences, acknowledging it for what it is and charging right on anyway. I want to stand up for myself, and for my own ideas. They are forming there, already, and I'm excited to have found them at this stage.