Lately I've had the feeling that I'm constantly running after myself. Hurrying from one task to another trying my best to get it all done. Trying to be a good girlfriend, a good daughter and sister, a good colleague and a good employee. Trying to keep my house tidy, as the welcoming space that I want it to be and not just a reflection of the hectic state of life. Trying to nourish my body and keep it fit and strong, ready to carry me through life in the most enjoyable ways. Trying to keep up with the things I enjoy, holding on to their pleasure and not seeing them as a chore or a commitment.
Needless to say, I am not being successful at holding on to all of the above. In many ways, I feel as if I'm failing, in fact. Friendships are slipping through my fingers because I simply can't be the person I want to be for those around me as well as the person I want to be for myself. I feel a constant sense of guilt, which turns to utter sadness when I see that I have been phased out of people's lives. I suppose this is part of that 'real life' that I keep mentioning; the life that simply can't cater for everyone and everything trying to take part in it.
I've been feeling absolutely awful all week. I've had a constant pain simmering in my eyes and temples, aches shooting from my knees to my jaw via my spine and a tiredness that I simply cannot beat. I'm aching to stop this chasing; to have just a few days for myself to stand still and look around.
For the first time I'm starting to appreciate the power of my body's signals. For the first time I'm not struggling to be fair to myself, because I can't be everything all at once.
A snuggly jumper, some incense and a super-hot curry (I must start using a teaspoon to measure the chilli!) this evening and I'm finally starting to unwind. It's ok if life gets too much, so long as you know how to find a place to escape it.