Thursday, 10 November 2011


Wandering aimlessly. Yes. I've had a real sense of aimless wandering recently, lilting gently, effortlessly along a path, unable to see what's coming around the next bend but having a sense of familarity once I get there. I've found myself asking Is this life? Is this it: one day after the next, just meandering along, existing, without purpose or intent.

Now don't get me wrong - I'm tremendously happy. I couldn't be happier in myself, I couldn't be more in love, I couldn't be more engaged by the people I see every day than I am right now. But still, what happens once you reach a point or a period where you are no longer striving for anything in particular? What on earth do you focus on once you finally find yourself are living on top of the point that you've been focussing on for the past year?

I have goals. I have huge goals, in fact. Goals involving mountains and mud, goals involving my flute and piano, goals which I share with Daniel and goals which I am striving towards alone. And then there's one huge goal, a goal so massive and seemingly impossible that I can't focus on it as a whole. At times it is an obsession, while at times like this when I am powerless and waiting on other people to do their work, I condemn myself to accepting my fate of unachieved dreams, to meandering along towards the next bend and the next, until I find some white water to rush upon and fight against.

I found myself suddenly so dispondent and unmotivated by the lack of challenge in life right now that I gave myself a severe talking to. As is usual when things stop going to plan, I started being harsh on myself, feeling guilty for staying in bed too long in the morning and going to bed too late at night. Annoyed at myself for eating too many chocolates too close to bedtime, for saying the wrong thing to the wrong person, for not going running because I hurt my foot on Sunday (have you ever cut the inner side of your sole? Ouch!!!). I told myself to stop being such a wuss, to stop letting everything else take control, and to actually grab the reigns (or the oars, to continue with the river metaphor) and get motivated. When I moved closer to work I was so lit up by the time and the opportunity that I had found for myself, and now I am settling into a rut where there is too much time, and it is being wasted!

So today I started afresh. I got up early and packed my bags for Daniel to drop off at work. I tied my fell running shoes and headed off upwards, out into the open nothingness in under 20 minutes. The air was moist and thick with mist. The ground so muddy that I slipped around on several occasions. I was alone on a bleak moorland in the first light of day, and it was wonderful. I ran to work via a moor that I have come to love, arriving covered in mud and eager for a hot shower and some porridge. Full of vibrance, full of enthusiasm, full of anticipation to share the day with people who are truly fantastic.

So yes, this is what it's about. Meandering is ok; meandering is moving, at least. Doing what I love every day, having the time and the energy to be able to do what I love, even when it's raining, and even when it stays dark until 7:15am. I create my own white water, I choose it when I choose to stride rather than shuffle - challenges can be found in every part of life, in every person and every day, some way or another. It's past my bedtime and I'm up, chocolate wrappers scattered, radio on loud, writing in my dressing gown. For me right now, this is what it's about; time to gather my thoughts, to express and organize sentiments that have sat within me all week. This right here is life; this is it, all that there is.


  1. Something I've learned in my old age is that life does what it wants to do regardless of whether you are trying to control it or not.
    So I'm stopping controlling it. It's not much giving up as...well, breathing more I guess! :)

  2. Catherine - this is SO me at the moment too! I thought I was alone - and you have put it into words so beautifully and poignantly - that I'm not even going to bother adding anything! Is is the November syndrome? or just me growing older and more cynical!

    Even this morning, I lay in bed thinking what is there...except for old age! My ageing body is starting to creak more and my neck is becoming more and more painful! I'm watching this happen to my loved ones too - and am worried about the day that they'll not be here. I won't be having children, so my family line stops with me. That's a scary thought at 7am in the morning, laying there in bed, trying to force myself back to sleep when in reality my brain is far too active for that to happen!

    It's a harsh reminder of mortality and fate - and my possible future - and sometimes it's hard to face that isn't it! Often I crave the carefree youth that is starting to seem such a lifetime ago now! I've passed my MA - yet life meanders on - with the same problems, the same pressures, the same doubts - just with different audiences!

    I think I need to go the market and send some money on things I don't need!!!

    Hope you're well x

  3. You never cease to amaze me with your energy and enthusiasm and love of life.
    Lisa x